Who knows.

I was talking to my dad the other day, and if you know me really at all, you know that he is my favorite person ever. Just how it is. Anyway, I learned a lot, and have a lot to think about from that conversation. We were discussing the future and how uncertain it really is.

When my dad retires, he plans to get a big RV and drive around the country visiting all of his children and grandchildren. He asked me where I want to live when I'm done with school, and I told him that really all I have figured out is where ever they give me a job. Then after thinking for a little bit, I asked him if he would still drive out to visit me if I moved to Connecticut to work, and I never got married, so I didn't have any grandchildren for him to come see.

I realized then that may be the case. I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to get married unless I am blissfully ridiculously in love. I don't want to get married unless I genuinely can't picture the world without that person. I don't want to get married because it's what everyone else is doing. I don't want to get married because it's what other people want me to do. I want to get married because I feel like floating to the moon at the very thought of being with the other person.

I don't want to do anything because it's what everyone else expects of me. I don't want to do them because it's what's easier or what everyone is doing. I want to do the things that feel right. The things that make me blissfully happy....or at least seem like they will provide me with the opportunities I want to make a difference in the way I choose.

I want to be a teacher at a low-income school. I want to be able to change the lives of those students. I'm not stupid. I know I can't help them all. I know not all of them will want my help. I know that there will be nights that I'll come home in tears because I feel like I'm not doing anything. I know it won't lead to happiness per se. But it will be fulfilling. It will be making a difference in at least one life. If I provide a safe place in my classroom, and encourage them to be all they can be, I will make a difference. Maybe just someday years later, they'll think of me as someone who believed they could be somebody in the world. And who knows what could come of that.

And maybe I'll be coming home to just Shelby and Frankie. But coming home to 2 pets that I love is better to me than coming home to a husband that I married because it seemed easier than not marrying him. Yes that would be lonely, no I wouldn't be happier, but it would sure be better than being with someone because someone else wants it for me.

So maybe I can't draw my life out for everyone to see. Maybe I don't know what's coming. Maybe I won't live the picture perfect life as a Mormon housewife that I know some people expect for me. Maybe I will. But either way, I'm going to be living the life that I pick that will make me the happiest I can be.