Words that can't be spoken

I'm stealing this idea from my friend Jacob. It seems highly therapeutic. and I greatly enjoyed reading it on his blog. So here are some things I want very badly to say to some of my friends, but I can't say them to their faces for obvious reasons.
1. The more time I spend with you, the more time I want to...you make me happier than I've been in a long time. I don't even like sports. I wasn't going to come on Monday, but you seemed disappointed in the people dropping out of the activity, so I came. I hope that someday I will be able to tell you all of this, but I'm not sure if you'll ever want to hear it.
2. I miss you. The real you. The one that drew snowmen and gingerbread men fighting to the death with candy canes. The one that could make me laugh without any effort what-so-ever. Whenever I get a letter from you, I hope and pray that you'll keep yourself alive long enough to send the next one, and that somehow in my response I will say something that inspires you to be happy once again. Something that brings out your happy spontaneous side again. I want you to be healthy and to be my best friend once again.
3. Do you remember when once upon a time we used to spend every waking hour together? and many of the sleeping ones as well? Do you remember when we sang kiss the girl together to mock a good friend? and when you threatened to sing it in my trunk? Do you remember when we promised each other side door keys to each others' houses? Because I've never forgotten. You still have one to mine. All you have to do is use it.
4. I can't wait for you to come home, but at the same time, part of me wants you to stay out forever. Part of me feels safer knowing what to expect from you because you're busy and far away. The thought of you coming home, and not knowing if you'll keep in touch when it's easier scares me. I don't know if I would be able to handle that rejection of you not being willing to do that. Even after 2 years of minimum communication, you have such incredible power over my mood and my happiness. I don't think you have any idea how exciting it is in my life when a letter arrives, or some kind of contact from you comes. You could have the power to crush me completely if you decide not to talk to me. and that terrifies me. It's easy now to brush it off as you being busy doing the Lord's work.

That's all for now. But it felt good to write those.